Ponies and Puppies SUCK!

I have just been subjected to the worst pain known to a cynic. My partner for the last several weeks was happy. And, I am not talking about oh what a lovely day. This chick was the type that likes ponies, rainbows, puppies, kittens and thinks everything is wonderful. Like anyone I withheld the silencing sarcasm that would set this korean girl back to the rainy day she needed, until she crossed the line. We were on call in the OB unit and I was elbow deep in retrieving the after birth when the girl started making moose faces at me. All the flowery comments I had to endure and then this. Oh did I mention she was Canadian, another strike. So, I kindly asked to quit with happiness and stay away from me. So, as I sat waiting after the 30hrs call for the attending to show up and give a lecture my partner strolls in and sees me sitting calmly. She says, "It takes more muscles to frown then to smile." That was the last straw. I couldn't take any more of this Patch Adams wannabe. I quickly retorted, "It takes more to say dumb stuff than to keep your mouth shut." It was glorious. The look of bewilderment was as if I had just landed a hay maker right on the chin, TKO. Then off she scurried, I guess the kids at her middle school liked ponies too.

Not Everyone can be a Fireman

I know it has been awhile. I have been tired and lazy. Also, nothing really hilarious has happened that was worth mentioning until today. What happened today was nothing short of a testament to the business of medicine. Medical education today can be summed up as long as you can pay your bills and get past these random check points that have nothing to do with patients, then you too can be a Doctor. Anyways, here is the story....

A new student had shown up earlier in the week, and had been able to avoid the usual pimping from the attending. We were doing an EGD on an young woman who had come into the hospital for anemia, and that is when the glorious moment happened. Our brilliant surgeon had just successfully visited each site and was proceeding to pull out when he stopped and rotated the camera 180 degrees in the stomach. The picture on the monitor then showed the cardiac portion of the stomach along with the EG sphincter. Our attending keenly asked the new the guy "what is that black thing in the stomach?" The new guy replied meekly with "Inferior Vena Cava." It is moments like these that are so fun. You can just sit back and watch a beautiful roast, and just be thankful that it is not you. So, I sat back and waited for my wonderful morning present. However, the surgeon didn't hear him, or if he did the attempted answer was so horrific that he figured a good lashing wouldn't even begin to help this wayward son of Netter.

TIA No Joke for a Neurologist

Well, today was like no other day. I got to the hospital at 4:30, so I could pre-round before my attending showed up at 6am. Things were going smoothly until we got to a Neuro consult on a patient who should have never been there. We had canceled the consult the prior day, which was made by another minion, but that won't stop the non-readers from doing it. Reviewing chart orders is a tough concept to grasp, especially when they change. Anyways, when the giant found out that some little minion had carried out the consult he decided to intervene and discuss the matter with the Neurologist. After conversing about the situation, the giant told the other that it was just a TIA and should not be worry about the situation. However, this did not go over well with the neurologist who did not think that TIAs were a laughing matter. I guess he didn't know that TIA actually means Totally Inappropriate Admission. I of course was leaning against the wall laughing my ass of as the situation unfolded. Seriously, I must be in some need of enjoyment since I found this situation the highlight of my day.

Practicing in the Jungle

I have finally arrived at a Hospital. A place where humanity and decency are left at the door. My day begins way before the hint of sunlight. A time when the monsters are sleeping, nurses are friendly and attendings are sleeping. I scurry through the paperwork of the day before and make my rounds to check on the few patients that I have before the sun shows her face, because I know that when it does all things will change. The hospital is a backwards place. So, thanks Upton Sinclair for your book on hospitals.

One Toke Over the Line Sweet Jesus

Today's lesson was that some people must really lead extremely stressful lives. My prize patient of the day came to me accompanied by her 2 yo little girl. It was time for the mom's routine physical examination, even though she had seen another physician one month prior. I guess you can't get enough medical care, when you are not paying for it. Anyways, I find in her chart that she is experiencing anxiety attacks, and when questioned about it she explains that she has the attacks a couple times a week. Later on, while I am trying to get more of an accurate history, she divulges that she smokes EIGHT BLUNTS a day! I then politely ask, "How the hell can you be having anxiety attacks when you are high enough to walk on the moon?" She then proceeds to tell me about how people make her mad and then she has to rest for a couple hours, because she thinks if she doesn't she will pass out. Seriously, it must be one tough life for an eighteen year old these days who gets free health care and all the other wonderful benefits our government deems necessary to the "under privileged." I figure it must really be demanding and time consuming for her to thank all the people who are working everyday to afford her a life of being "comfortably numb."

Saving Lives and Sharing

So, today started out pretty slow. There were no patients for two hours, which isn't horrible because it allowed me to do other important things like: send emails, check stock and catch up on the constant reading. Around noon the office exploded with patients, and I got to actually use some of the information I have been reading in journals. It was kind of nice to know that I was not wasting my time. The steady stream of sickies slowed down around 3pm when I got my prize case of the day. The patient was coming in for refills, but little did he know that his BP could send Richard Branson to outer space. I finally got to practice some real medicine, and not that boring physical paperwork mumbo jumbo. While saving this man's life, he is having me discuss what the medication is that he should be taking and why he should. He wants to know if it is harmful to his kidney's or liver. I promptly respond that if he doesn't start taking his medication routinely that his liver and kidney's won't be bothering him, and that someone else will be exceedingly happy that he was non-compliant. I think that might have gotten to him, but if not at least I tried. If not for him maybe for the next guy to get to use his organs.

Have You Seen My Lost Hour?

I have been noticing that my days are getting shorter. I must be misplacing an hour or two a day, because I know I used to be able to do a lot more. I am still working about the same amount of time, but I keep finding myself pushing back some of my usual activities to the weekend or days that I don't work. It must be my job. This whole healing business is getting in the way of keeping up with the latest movies, books and frankly life itself. So I think I should put in for another job, however I don't know if the banks would let me. Anyways I think the thieves of my time might be the gnomes, since they have quit stealing my socks (thanks to my new wife's patrol).