Ignorance, Guinea Pigs and Test Monkeys OH MY

I have never been fond of the masses, and it is my belief that people are somewhat intelligent and reasonable if you are able to interact with them one on one. Well, that is complete shit and is definitely thrown out the window now after encountering a woman who spouted stupidity like water from a hose. My biggest problem was I couldn't find the handle to turn off her faucet.

I was doing routine school physicals on a family of five. Four children and one "spiritual" mother who was very "learn-ned" in the ways of keeping her children "healty." On one of the girls I prompted the mother that we needed to start her out on the new HPV vaccine. This shot series costs around 600 dollars, but because she was one of the privileged salts of the earth it was going to be free. After mentioning the new course of action, I was badgered with these strange sounds coming from the mother's mouth. All I could make out was: "I ain't no test monkey," "We ain't going to be no guinea pigs for you," "I gotta do da researched first" "Why some white doctor gotta tink just cause we black he can snob us," "See kids this is how yous suposed to handle peoples." So, I stepped back from the situation and proceeded to reevaluate. I decided that the time for me to laugh was soon but not at this moment. So, like any great doctor of the ghetto I finished my work with the family, and turfed them to some other guy to make is 20 dollars for an office visit.

Snake Oil Salesmen

Today's focus is on the wheeling dealing cure-alls I am introduced to everyday, along with their pushers. These snake-oil salesmen approach you, and tell you about all the great things their wonder pills do. They have been known to cure cough, colds, runny noses, asthma, pregnancy, diabetes, HTN, droughts, and create mountains out of mole hills(little blue pills). With their slyness they approach handing pamphlets and gifts, which I take cause free stuff is great, trying to persuade you into dishing out these wonder drugs. But, little do they realize that I don't know the difference. So, I just shake my head and try to act like I know something, and wait until the day comes that when I do know what they are talking about. At that time I will only be nodding so that I can continue to check out their nice toys. Seriously, do the big drug companies think I care about their pretty chart or the pretty girl interrupting my day with free gifts.

Can you hear the voices too?

A lady comes into the clinic, and appears as your typical ghetto person. She is missing most of her teeth, broken sentences, and a list of complaints. It was her first complaint that really got me. Suicidal Thoughts. When I heard that my head snapped to full attention. I put a big gold star by her name, and was like congratulations. You are my first crazy patient. She then proceeded to tell me about the voices, and having them wake her up and talk to her all day. So, like any good dumb doctor I scurried off to my supervisor and reported that I thought there might be a problem with this patient. It was my first TURF, and I was proud.

The next day I was practicing in another clinic which I didn't really think was the ghetto, but I was wrong. A nice twelve year old Mexican girl comes to see me. I carefully skimmed the chart for the notes of previous Ghetto Docs' and to my surprise our little girl had quite a high libido. I was able to inform her about her newly acquired friend N.G. and run another pregnancy test. She was a little disappointed there would not be child in nine months, and I told her she probably should shy away from sex for that period of time too. Or, at least until she became a teenie bopper.

The Road Less Travelled (probably a reason)

Today I started out and decided to take a shorter way to the Ghetto Clinic, and of course I got a little off track. I kept driving thinking that sooner or later I would come about and find my way. Anyways, I was thinking I was making great time. Along the way I began to notice housing and buildings were beginning to become a little shady. Also, the usual bum and street workers were looking at me with what seemed to be bewilderment. Finally, I figured out that I might need to find some route out of there was when the bums started directing traffic, and people listened. This definitely wasn't an area I belonged. So, like any mid-westerner deep in the ghetto I locked my doors and began to drive really fast. I figured even if I were to get pulled over the cop would probably say "WTF" and give a nice escort out. I did finally make it to my clinic, and had another productive day of practicing to be a doctor.

Making Girls Cry

Day 2 of healing the common masses lasted longer, while increasing my patient load 400%. Eight unfortunate souls had the poor luck of being guinea pigs for my shots and blood work. Out of all my patients I made most of the girls cry today. The first was a 2 yr who came in for her immunizations. She came into the office smiling at me until I pulled out the two shots. Then she started wailing. Later on, I have a very sad girl in her mid-twenties. All I had to do to her was ask questions, guess I can even be rough with that. Oh well, I am going back to the Ghetto tomorrow to do immunizations. So, hopefully I won't make to many of them cry.

First Day in the Life

Damn....Was the first thing that came to mind when I saw the Ghetto Fabulous healing house that I was to begin my rotations. There were several firsts today along with my first patient, who didn't speak any English. The first was after dropping off some mail in the local blue box, I heard a gun shot and jumped. After coming down, I looked around to see if anyone was dead and there were two small black kids laughing at me. I felt tough. Later on, I got to meet a 17 yr. old girl with her lesbian partner. They were there to get her baby up to date on immunizations. During my lunch break, I decided to hope in my truck and drive to Micky Dees. Another time i felt safe standing next to a cop, who proudly wore his bullet proof vest for all to see. I had a nice tie from express to protect me, thanks to Dawn. After reviewing my day, I thought it went pretty well, except for the fact that I'm the best medical care these people are going to get.